This article is a two part series which is a passionate project that I believe is so necessary to break the cycles of abused and abuse.
It is to do with our children, and how we can help them not live the lives of suffering, abuse and unconsciousness that we have, and how we can stop these cycles being passed on from generation to generation.
This article is vital for you if you are a parent. The information in this article is essential for every parent, especially those who have been involved in abuse.
Most of us did not come from conscious parenting. Our own parents did not come from conscious parenting, or their parents before them.
The truth is most of humankind has been unconscious. Meaning not being authentically happy and whole, or at peace emotionally. Peace has been conditional – dependent upon outside conditions rather than being an authentic established inner state.
Families have been modelled around achievement, survival and often appearances – making sure the family presented the right ‘image’ as much as possible to the outside world, and consequently very little time or energy was devoted to inner emotional development.
My father has an expression ‘”We weren’t brought up; we were kicked and made get up.”
I totally agree, and it is plain to see the often horrific effects of unconscious adults who don’t have a healthy relationship with their own Inner Self, being granted the stewardship to develop a child’s delicate Inner Self.
No longer can any of us ignore the damage this has caused, and still causes, and sweep it under the carpet.
Escalating Unconscious and Abuse
We are all living in a time where abusers and victims are escalating. I was talking, a couple of evenings ago, to my good friend Fiona who works as a major coordinator in Domestics Violence services in Australia. She stated how the number of cases is growing steadily at alarming rates.
We are all a part of this cycle.
We all need to deeply understand that adults carrying still existing childhood wounds are only ever going to perpetuate these wounds on to their children. This tragically ensures that the cycle of abuser or abused will continue.
Unless we can show up for our children with healed mature emotional centres, we will by deficient examples inflict upon them the legacy of becoming either a narcissist or a co-dependent victim, and the cycle continues.
I read a post the other morning on my Facebook Newsfeed.
It was in a well know narcissistic abuse recovery group, about a woman stating how devastated she was by her ex narcissist’s behaviour.
The replies were how she could never stop his behaviour, and how her only relief will be when he meets someone else, and only then his tormenting behaviour towards her would stop.
What shocked me the most was the creator of this Group, which has thousands of members, totally agreed with these answers and confirmed them for this poor woman.
I was mortified, incensed and sickened, that this woman was left with this, ‘Yep, you have no hope to have any relief or peace in your life until HE does something different in his life’.
Now I want to start with my disclaimer, before I REALLY get down to it.
Yes I understand how devastating it is to be narcissistically abused. I was one of these people who nearly died because of the abuse. I know it’s terrible, especially when our children are involved. I also understand how we can be so stuck in the model of victimisation, and the belief that the narcissist has all the power, and that there is no hope.
I am not discounting any of this. I know how traumatising it is, and how damaged we are as a result of it.
But this I do know – that victimised ‘no hope’ model is NOT the truth. It is not the way to heal, and it doesn’t help us, or our children, or their children, or our world in any shape of form.
The most sickening thought for me when I read this blog post was: How on earth is our world going to get well when NOT only are narcissists unconscious, but those apparently HELPING the victims, are so stuck in powerlessness and unconsciousness as well?
The truth is, the virus of unconsciousness (refusing to take responsibility for creating one’s own life from the inside out) that manifests as narcissism – is so potent it infects others into believing that not only are they powerless, but the world operates ‘from the outside in’. This ensures there is no responsibility taken for one’s own development, and no connection possible to create and generate one’s own life.
Truly victims are just as damaged by this ‘hopeless, powerless’ model, as they are by narcissists, and I am dismayed how individuals, who are not healed and whole themselves (if they were they would NOT be espousing ‘you are powerless’) are simply keeping others stuck in victimisation believing it is ‘recovery’.
I was so motivated by the insanity and absolute false premise of this post thread (and please know once upon a time I would have agreed with it – when I was still deeply unconscious) that I took a stand and passionately put a post on my own public Facebook page about it.
I finished with, “It will be a wonderful day when finally people ‘helping’ those recover seek true empowering consciousness alliances, wake up from the powerless trance and truly help themselves first, and then their people find their true consciousness and power. That is the only way narcissistic abuse can no longer exist, personally, and eventually collectively.”
The responses started to come in. Most of them were people in my community doing the inner work on themselves, who reported total agreement with how their life had transformed by dropping the victimisation model, and how they had experienced that the narc abuse stopped and how their real life finally began – for them and their children.
These people’s posts were like day and night compared to the posts of the people exclaiming their pain, victimisation and how they had no hope in their situations, and how co-parenting with narcissists would make them lifetime victims due to the ongoing connection. Some of these people, as they always do, fought for these limitations by declaring the justifications for their victimhood.
I asserted in my replies how working on taking responsibility for our own unhealed wounds and up-levelling our own consciousness not only empowers us, but also our children, and how it ends the cycles of narcissistic abuse even when co-parenting.
One lady wrote back to me stating, “Melanie I don’t see how you can state that ‘abuse will no longer exist’ by transforming ourselves when children are involved? This is a dangerous proposition to make as it could stop parents from safeguarding their children. How can you stop an N abusing their children by healing yourself?”
Waking Up and Relinquishing Powerlessness
Truly this was enough to get me really going. PLEASE know I want to strongly and passionately wake you up too – if you are thinking in the same powerless way.
This was my response:
“It is always a dangerous proposition for our children when we are traumatized, victimized and being sucked emotionally dry, and are not working on ourselves to be empowered. I have facilitated countless cases of parents with children, who protect their children and themselves superbly once they do the necessary work on themselves and are out of fear and pain, and are solid enough to get real results against the narcissist.
The results come from the inside out – not whilst being emotionally powerless. Remaining with focus outwards in victimization never helps children, and only fuels the narcissist to act out and only attracts and generates more victimization – not things, authorities, evidence and results falling into place.
Think of this in VERY simple terms – what has ever gone right in your life when you are disheveled, out of sorts or even just in a bad mood? Nothing from an ‘off’ emotional stance ever works out! Why would something this big – pitting yourself against a narcissist work when not emotionally solid?
I am incredibly passionate about parents up-levelling for their children’s sake, and this was the only way I saved my own son from where he had ended up after my narc relationship.
This is the entire point you are missing, many of you in the victim model – is that you have NO effectiveness against narcs, or the rebuilding of your life for yourself or your children when you are not healing yourselves, hence why the battering and punishment and pain of what the narcissist is doing to you, and your victimization stance of ‘no hope’ continues. The narc is fuelled by your own pain and victimization – period.
YES it does stop when you heal you – you haven’t realized emotional realities, and YES when you deeply emotionally change it stops, all of it, and the inside out model is the only way it does. And YES I have seen it happen, more times than I could count – I receive emails and reports every day.
Do you think it is any coincidence that people are posting on this thread how much different their experience is, and why do you think that is consistently so? Why do you think these conversations bear no resemblance to the usual narc abuse conversations?”
Yep, I have to admit I was worked up. And the reason I was so worked up is because this project regarding parents empowering themselves for their children’s sake was a project I already had underway – because I am so literally devastated and frustrated when I see post after post after post from parents who are being victims, not taking responsibility to empower and heal themselves (when it IS totally possible) and NOT helping their children.
As a parent who nearly lost my own son in his severe depression and addictions in the midst of my own mind-bending victimisation – it breaks my heart.
I know how tragically things could have been for myself and my son, if I didn’t drop victimization and didn’t take responsibility to heal myself. And I know how things turned around so quickly in my son’s and my own life when I did.
I am not playing righteousness here; I am SIMPLY deeply passionate about standing up and doing something about this epidemic of powerless victimization that is ripping abuse victims and their children apart.
You see, I know children need guidance, and I constantly see adults NOT doing what is necessary to provide it. And I see abuse communities cementing these parents over and over in hopeless victimhood.
I also see parents, being granted solutions and the means to heal powerfully from the inside out, fight to hang on to, and LITERALLY demand their hopeless victimhood, and I see the damage this does to children horrifically.
The Victim Parent is Just as Toxic
I have done countless amounts of work with adults whose emotional scars and agonies, and their own adult abuse patterns were not just caused by the narcissistic parent, but ALSO deeply inflicted by the parent who refused to give up their powerless victimization, and who never became a healthy, whole source to themselves and an effective role-model.
In fact, in many cases this is the parent that they have the deepest of all wounds with.
I promise you this is true.
This parent was so toxic, and so self-absorbed with their own victimhood and powerlessness that they were emotionally unavailable and unhealthy, and only engendered more abuse towards their children as a result of feeding the narcissist their fear, pain and powerlessness.
Because of their intense focus, reactions and pain towards the narcissist, and constantly declaring their own victimization – without taking back their power – many children went into the arms of the narcissist, because truly it was more comfortable for them to so do.
They also could not seek a safe haven from the narcissist with the non-narcissistic parent, because this parent was stuck in their own activated inner child wounding (that the narcissist was using for reactions), and NOT healing it, in order to show up as a healthy, mature, solid, safe parent.
This created the children as the precarious target for the narcissist to extract even more narcissistic supply from the non-narcissistic parent by using the children as pawns.
The truth is: all of this can be avoided, and ALWAYS is avoided when the non-narcissistic parent does the inner work on themselves and is no longer susceptible to being hooked in or emotionally triggered and victimized by the narcissist.
Because then he or she starts showing up as a healthy adult for their children.
I am NOT saying any of this to shame or blame you – I am saying this to wake you up for your own and you children’s’ sakes.
If you want to FIGHT to hang on to your victimization, you WILL continue to be victimized, as will your children and their relationship with you.
Loading the Gun For The Narcissist
Understand this please – point blank. When a parent is empowered and unaffected narcissists give up – there is no energy or reaction (narcissistic supply) to gain.
And in NO shape or form does this mean you don’t protect your children. It means you empower yourself and your children, you have solid boundaries without fear, and you walk a straight line towards generating a healthy, safe life with integrity without being emotionally derailed.
One of the replies a lady wrote on my Facebook post was, “I agree that healing my childhood wounds will help but I can’t stop the stress he induces from the lies, manipulation and fears I have of what he’ll put the children through. How can you heal when they can use your children and the legal system to torment you?”
I want you to understand this: your healing is ONLY possible when you address your own emotional wounding that allowed you to be captured, hooked into and emotionally derailed by a narcissist in the first place.
The narcissist is ONLY EVER using your inner wounds against you – that is exactly what the DEFINITION of narcissistic abuse is.
I need to repeat this again – so that you can understand THE TRUTH…
Narcissistic abuse is always the narcissist using your own unconscious wounds against you.
And the narcissist will continue to do it relentlessly until you heal these wounds. This is how the narcissist affects you and then FEEDS off you.
When you heal your wounds – you just DON’T fear the narcissist anymore. He or she has no emotional power over you, and you no longer FEED the narcissist.
In fact, you will see the tactics and behavior for the flimsy childish bullish rubbish that it REALLY is, because you will no longer be emotionally triggered into helpless victimization because of your corresponding inner unhealed childhood wounds. In stark contrast, you will stand TALL in your mature, adult emotional wholeness that you have up-levelled yourself into.
That’s when it all falls over for the narcissist.
Another lady wrote on my Facebook post, “I believe that those other folk will find a true path back to Source when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being a professional Victim. I am so thankful for MTE and all of you here. Let’s send our best thoughts to those people who are wasting time re-loading the metaphorical gun and handing it back so the narc can shoot them again.”
Truly I don’t think anyone has ever expressed this in a better way – because this is exactly what is taking place.
This is SO Important to understand, narcissists are empty voids they have no true power and no real Life-force of their own. Narcissists simply feed off your pain and fear to be ABLE to do what they do, and of course they use children to get to you – if you don’t work on your own inner solidness and empowerment – which means healing your own inner generational wounds that caused you to be affected and powerless.
And even if the narcissist was to let go – your victimization and powerlessness would continue (and does continue) long after the narcissistic goes, and will continue to be inflicted on your children until you heal your own inner wounds.
Why do things turn around in abuse situations SO powerfully when people work on up-levelling themselves from the inside out? Why does the narcissist STOP abusing?
Because, there is no energy being fed to the narcissist anymore, and the narcissist has to find another source to play it out with.
Why does the narcissist lay off your children, and even in many cases lose interest in wanting to be involved with your children when you up-level yourself? Why do your children naturally turn away from the narcissist and come to you after you up-level yourself?
I have seen this happen in so many instants. The most dramatic case was one of my oldest NARPers Dot, I talk about Dot in my Webinar series The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, a lady who in her 70’s had her son and his offspring contact and re-unite with her after over 30 years of silence, as a result of her healing her inner wounds.
I have seen time and time again the beautiful evidence of alienated children reconnect out of the blue when the non-narcissistic parent heals their own wounds, up-levels and detoxifies themselves from the inside out from abuse.
What is Your True Power in This Situation?
People may think this is a miracle.
I simply know it as the Energetic Law of ‘so within, so without’.
Which means: whatever is going on in your inner world is re-produced in your outer world.
When you are no longer a victim, Life no longer delivers more punishment that victimizes you.
In fact, by stark contrast, the space opens for the natural organic miracles of yourself being supplied with abundant unconditional love – being loved by those who love you purely for yourself – including your children.
Why? Because you worked on releasing your inner wounds in order to uncover your True Self and its connection to Source, which is I unconditionally love and approve of myself, and ‘I am love’, regardless of my outer conditions, what I have lost, what happened to me, and how my life turned out.
In fact unconditional love and acceptance of self is ONLY possible is you have released all of the wounds blocking you from deeply knowing – All of this happened for a reason, the perfect reason of delivering me back inside myself to do the work, so that I could know my True Self.
And…No-one modelled this for me, I had to find it myself by living the extremes of unconsciousness and all of its pain, in order to finally wake up and become conscious.
If you don’t believe this is possible after being narcissistically abuse – PLEASE open your eyes, because the evidence in this community that it is – is everywhere.
Additionally, when you empower yourself, heal and detach and walk truth unaffected by ridiculous narcissistic antics, or your own previous triggered wounds or powerless despair, your children start to model what they have learnt from you by example.
They sense and gravitate towards the knowing, even from a distance, that they have a solid calm source with you – to connect to, share with, trust and grow with.
As your children connect to you, and the up-levelling you deeply take on, they embrace the most empowering message of all – which is: “What anyone else does or doesn’t do has no bearing on my own relationship with myself, or my own power to generate the truth of my life.”
And as they live it – so it is.
This brings them immense inner peace and solidness, because no more are they trying to seek life from the outside in. Your children start creating and generating life from a solidness that no outside approval or ‘fixes’ ever provide.
They inherently don’t enjoy feelings of things and people that don’t represent their own inner peace, yet they are in no way tortured by this. Your children become self-developed, self-generative, and don’t get hooked in or derailed by other people’s unconsciousness. Rather, they learn to lay boundaries and detach if ‘healthy’ is not forthcoming.
The other essential life message they learn, which is ALSO empowering beyond measure is: “I am not a victim who powerlessly blames and holds other people responsible for the state or lack of my own wellbeing or life”.
Then, unlike what we previously did, they will not grow up rolling around in unhealthiness, point fingers, despair, try to force accountability and go back in for more abuse trying to force unhealthy people to grant them their life, or resent people who don’t give them a happy life.
In stark contrast your children become conscious and can generate their own life from a self-realized Thriver Model instead of a powerless unconscious Victim Model.
They can ONLY EVER become this model when YOU effort, with everything you are and have, to BECOME this model YOURSELF.
Then, and only then, will they grow up unaffected by the narcissist’s behavior and antics (and in fact will be even more capable, solid, self-loving and emotionally intelligent than they ever could have been without this self-evolution experience), and they will NOT continue and re-generate these deeply ingrained unconscious generational abuse and abused cycles.
Then, they will bring their own children up with the joy, love, emotional intelligence, healthy boundaries, self-worth and self-empowerment that will assure them and their future generations of healthy and genuine loving lives.
So are YOU going to break the cycle and create the new one?
Or will it be your children? The ones who are non-narcissists who had victimization and powerlessness modelled to them – who have become targets for MORE victimization and abuse – who FINALLY decide that they had ENOUGH powerlessness and devastation to STOP the cycles?
A non-narcissistic ADULT has to break the cycle – because he or she is the only person who CAN.
Who Should Be Held Responsible?
This is where you may get all righteous, as I used to do also, and blame.
You may say “Hang on a minute, I’m not the abuser! I’ve been abused! It’s the abuser who is unconscious and has damaged me and the children! The abuser should be RESPONSIBLE, not me!”
I have only one thing to say to that EPIDEMIC victim blame model…
Good luck with that…
I deeply want you to understand this – your own victimisation is unconsciousness, it’s powerlessness.
We are ALL responsible – HUGELY.
We are ALL playing it out until we don’t.
The only true powerfulness is being responsible.
If not YOU taking responsibility, who then?
The narcissist? Not possible… They can’t, they don’t have the resources.
Should the unconscious parent who inflicted the narcissist with unconsciousness be held responsible? Not possible…
Well then, maybe the unconscious parent of that unconscious parent? Of course not….
Then lets’ hold responsible the parent that did not grant YOU enough consciousness to not be taken in by a narcissist? Not possible either…
Okay, surely responsibility lies with a massive awareness campaign being launched into the world to stop people getting taken in by narcissists?
Nope NOT possible…
Why isn’t it possible?
Purely and simply because people rationalise away all the warning signs and red flags IF their unhealed inner wounds unconsciously attract and are attracted to narcissists.
I promise you, I have the evidence of droves of people with astounding logical knowledge of every nuance of ‘how to spot a narcissist’ who continue getting led back to another one, because of their own unfinished child wounds which matches narcissistic abuse perfectly.
Their limited logic mind simply makes us ‘stories’ to match the unhealed inner wounds of still being a victim of abuse. It’s the wounded subconscious that is driving them into narcissistic relationships – it has nothing to do with ‘logic’.
Okay, so maybe tightening up the system that allows narcissists to get away with it is the solution…
I know you are not going to like it – NO that is not possible. In fact that solution is a total dead end.
Why? Because pushing back, judgement, intense focus on and punishment never abolished, stopped or healed anything.
Anti -movements and ‘wars on (whatever)’ simply DON’T work.
Please, name one that ever has…
PLEASE open your eyes and have a look at the state of the world!
The deeper Energetic Law, that is as absolute as gravity, is the real reason why anti-movements never work. This Law is: “Whatever you judge and try to change in another – rather than change yourself in regard to WHY it is in your experience – is only going to be brought into your experience in greater intensity”.
Think about that deeply because it is the ABSOLUTE truth.
So, what IS possible in your life experience to change the abuse / abused dynamic.
There is only ONE answer and one answer only.
Taking full responsibility to become the change you want to see in the world – because ANYTHING and EVERYTHING else represents total and utter helplessness and powerlessness – point blank.
You can flap around in every direction looking outside of yourself to find the solution, and you will never find one, and you will never be rescued by one, because there was only ever one place it does exist.
It was inside YOU all along.
The same is true for EVERY area of your life.
That is exactly what creating consciousness – true freedom, empowerment, and generating a healthy life means without exception.
It HAS to happen from the inside out with the embracing of 100% personal responsibility to do so.
Victimisation – Food For Abusers
If we continue victimisation we simply produce food for abusers, and we line up people to continue to be buffets for abusers.
Victims take hostages and they do it by stealth – and they love generating their own victimisation by grooming other people to join in it with them.
It feels very easy to band with a victim, and believe they are helping you. Yet they are abusing you – they are setting you up for a life of victimisation and believing it is righteous to be a victim – fighting to assert why it is virtuous to blame and shame, and stay sick and disempowered, and they even attack people who discuss relinquishing being a victim.
Sickeningly, I have seen this happen in all abuse forums when real healing solutions are suggested. The best case scenario is real healing solutions are ignored, and the worst case scenario is they cause a literal riot.
I am going to say it – point blank. Victimisation is just as unconscious as narcissism.
It TRULY produces the identical result.
If we end victimisation, we end abuse, because there will be no more people attracting, generating and participating in being abused.
People who are conscious are NOT food for abusers.
A Stand For Consciousness and Our Children
Taking full responsibility to raise your own consciousness is the ONLY way you will end abuse in this world for you and your children – period.
I am asking you to stand up and wake up, and see what is really happening.
I am smacking you between the eyes because I care about this world, I care about what is happening to our children, and I deeply care about the damage of victimisation that people are suffering.
I deeply know about it because it nearly destroyed my life, and nearly destroyed my son.
I care, because I know the carnage it creates to everyone we care about , and I know it ALLOWS narcissists to prosper, because it is their VERY lifeblood.
We have to stop feeding narcissists our victimisation!
Now it is TIME to take a stand and put an END to this powerless madness…
Pass this message on far and wide, and absolutely post it in abuse forums, who are determined to model, promote and hold people in the powerless, victim model.
I am passionately ready to take a public stand to help people free themselves and their children from the cycles of pain and the unconscious madness our world has been modelled on.
Are you also ready to start with yourself DETERMINEDLY to help our children, our future generations and our world?
I hope so…
I am sharing interviews with parents and children of narcissists for Part Two next week..
STAND with me, and let’s work together, as a united front by sharing this article and / or accompanying radio show widely and let’s wake this world up.
Let’s do all we can to put an end to abuse cycles, by being the CHANGE we need to be to end it – and inspiring others to do the same.
Part 2: Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake
Last week I wrote what I believe is my most important article ever. That article – Part 1 – was inspired as a result of the difference I see constantly between the Thriver orientation, which occurs when we take the personal responsibility on to heal our own wounds, and the rampant victimsation model which is predominant in most narcissistic / sociopathic abuse communities.
Absolutely, I validate the pain of narcissistic abuse for people, especially when children are involved – and I know from personal experience, as well as having been connected with thousands of people going through this anguish how tough it is.
I also know that the continual focus on the narcissist, and what he or she is doing, creates total powerlessness and only feeds the narcissist, disables any effectiveness to get well, and is poisoning and traumatising our children – as well as doing NOTHING AT ALL to stop the cycles of abuse and abused being passed on from generation to generation.
I am passionate about the messages of this article series, because I firmly know there is another way, there IS a way to not only empower ourselves and come through the narcissistic experience as wiser, more solid, more capable, more conscious, loving and complete beings than we ever could have become without this experience, but also be able to co-create this level of growth with our children.
Even the children who have a narcissistic parent.
I am sharing some very special interviews with you today. These interviews are with women from the NARP Community, ladies who contacted me wanting to come forward and share their message, who have taken on the responsibility of their own healing, and who are active participants in breaking the cycles of abuse not only for themselves, but also for their future generations.
When you listen to these stories, please take note, these women are NOT victims.
They do not believe that what happened to them has caused them to be stuck in an endless cycle of regret, despair, blame, shame and powerlessness.
In fact, these women are going on to better, more whole lives and selves than they ever previously known – not in despite of what happened, but rather because of what happened, the narcissistic abuse that led them back home to the one relationship that had always been missing until now.
This was always about creating their TRUE relationship with themselves, which now is the relationship they are modelling and generating for their children.
The interviews start with a lady who is not a mother who explains the legacy and damage of mothers who don’t heal, followed by three more interviews with mothers and their children, and the interviews finish with a wonderful account from a young teenager, who was angry and struggling with his mother for years, describing how wonderful their relationship is today.
I want to thank everyone who has emailed me who is passionately standing for the circulation of these articles, and for joining me in this quest to raise consciousness and to put an end to victimsiation and abuse in our world.
We CAN take responsibility to put our focus firmly on ourselves and heal, and the results are not only spectacular for ourselves, but also for our children…the payoff for the effort is becoming and living a True Life.
I hope you enjoy these interviews, and please share this article and accompanying radio show in any forum where victimsation is taking hostages and keeping people stuck in powerlessness and pain. Please also share with anyone you know who it can help.
I also want to encourage any parents (or people) who feel trapped in the pain and the abuse to take the step to join me in my next Free Webinar to discover exactly how these mothers were able to heal and evolve past abuse.
If you can’t make the event live you will receive a full recording to your email inbox.
Written by Melanie Tonia Evans July 16, 2014